What Happens on the Trail
by 875265
Summary: A step down from god a king may be, but the riches and adventures don't end - you'll see! When Tulio pops Chel with The Big Question, will this spell the end of El Dorado's con men? I'm not good at poetry, as you can tell, so take off your socks and sit for a spell!
1. Chapter 1

**One minute they were gods in the city of** gold, the next they were living like kings. A step down from god, sure, but extravagant kings nonetheless. After their three-day stint in El Dorado, Miguel and Tulio with Chel and Altivo had hopped from mythical island to mythical island, perfecting their royalty act and gaining riches at every turn. From Shambhala to Hy Brasil, from Tartessos to Hyperborea; it seemed as if they could do no wrong.

One night, when they were alone, Tulio said out of the blue, "I have an idea!" He pulled Chel onto his lap. "Why don't you and I get married?"

"What? Tulio, shut up." She swatted him. "We don't have time for all this; we have a kingdom to swindle."

"That don't mean nothin'."

"So just wait."

"I'm tired of waiting - I've been waiting forever! Over three weeks, give or take." Tulio nuzzled her cheek. "Don't you understand how much I want you?"

"Why don't you remind me a few more times?" Chel said and they made out.

Meanwhile, Miguel was sitting there about to hurl. This was it - the thing that kept chafing him; it was the sight of Tulio and Chel flirting and cuddling and canoodling and whispering sweet nothings into each others' ears. This happened every banquet. It was enough to make Miguel physically twitch. It all came to a head on this dark and stormy night during digestifs after this particular dinner held in the honor of the two kings, one queen and a noble steed that seemed to appear out of nowhere to rule Kumari Kandam. Tulio and Chel only had one but Miguel swilled four drinks for the price of zero. Altivo the vacuum was eagerly sucking down the leftover scraps of food on the floor.

"Gimme a _breeeeak_. Altivo!" Miguel hiccuped. "Geta loada this! They are going to continue the Kumari Kandam line. How precious."

Chel smirked at him. "What's wrong, Miguel? Have a little too much sauce?"

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were feeling a little jealous, my friend."

"Jealous? Ha! That's a hot one. Even after I saw this one first and you dubbed her 'off-limits,' remember that? Then you took her all for yourself? Remember that?" Another big swig. "In fact, Tulio, this wasn't the first girl you stole from me, was it? Remember the girl from Andalusia? Madrid? I knew her longer than I even knew you! Catalonia…"

"Barcelona?" Tulio reminded him, raising an eyebrow.

"... Oh yeah." Miguel's face collapsed into a clumsy, pleased grin. "But that was only because of what you did to me in Catalonia. You have always stolen the girls I liked from me, Tulio, and it's not fair! Just because you're more handsomer than I doesn't mean - "

He hiccupped so loud it woke Altivo. The horse bolted upright, hitting his head and jiggling the whole table. Miguel grabbed a cloth napkin and let out a prolonged burp into it. Tulio and Chel exchanged unimpressed glances.

"Wow. So yeah! What about the basis of principle?" he demanded.

"Okay, Miguel. Okay." Tulio leaned over, moving his glass out of reach. "Can't we talk about this later?"

"No, I wanna talk about it right now."

"Looks like somebody can't handle his juice… "

"Chel, you butt out! You're the reason Tulio and I are having this fight to begin with."

"Are we having a fight?"

"We _are_ having a fight… "

"Correction: _you're_ having a fight," Tulio said. "I'm watching a friend dig himself into a hole that he'll be too drunk to get out of in the morning."

"When have you ever treated me like a friend? When you threw me under the bus for playing with loaded dice when they were actually yours? When you suggested I pet an angry bull while you run? You hated my escape plan because it didn't include a stupid pry bar!"

"Listen, can't we talk about this later?"

"How about you talk about it with yourself later. I'm outta here." And Miguel stumbled out of the room, nearly tripping over a napping Altivo.

Tulio and Chel were left stock still in stunned silence.

"What was all that," Chel remarked, downing the last of Miguel's drink. "What even is a prybar?"

Tulio sighed. "Look after Altivo for me, will you?"

"Why?"

He rose, scooting his chair back. "Clearly we have a lot of things to discuss."

"Hurry up," Chel said and glanced out one of the tall windows. "It's a hurricane out there. Come back to me."

"Baby… " He took her hand and kissed it. "You know I will."


	2. Chapter 2

When Tulio has finally caught up with Miguel, his friend was knee deep in the ocean and continuing to trudge forth. He thought Miguel was off his rocker before this, but this night just proved the little voice in his head right once and for all. As if it couldn't get worse, Tulio shielded his eyes and looked up at the darkening, windy sky swirling overhead. _This doesn't look good._

"Miguel?" he called from the shore. Miguel showed no signs of stopping. _This fool is going to make me get in the water_ , he thought, and that's just what he did. "Miguel! Get your crazy blond ass back here! What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm swimming back to El Dorado, fool! Where the people don't make out with each other and treat me with a little respect!"

"Listen, you've done some things to me too that I'd rather not get into 'cause I'm trying to be respectful - "

"Respect?" Miguel hooted. "Didn't you hear what I just said? You have never had respect for me; you don't even like me!"

"Of course I like you!"

"Then name all the ways you've shown it in the past three years! I'll wait! Chirp chirp, Tulio! _Crickets!"_

"Well, what about the girl from Barcelona?"

Miguel was silent. The waves lapped around the two men as he puzzled. "Tulio, would you like the girl from Barf-elona back?"

"I'll have to think about that - "

"Because you can take her and shove her where the sun don't shine."

Tulio gasped. "Don't you talk about Rita that way!"

"And she was lousy in bed too."

"Miguel… "

"Like doing a dead dog."

"Zettibit - _enough!_ Miguel, shut up!" Tulio snapped. "Come on, let me get you inside so you don't catch your death of cold." He tried to grab Miguel's shoulder, only to have him shake off his grip quite rudely.

"Off of me. Just leave me here to die, like you've done so many times before."

"Don't tempt me." Tulio lifted his friend over his shoulder, marching to shore.

"Hey, put me down!" Miguel thrashed, kicking his little feet. "I'm not that light! _I am not a lightweight!"_


	3. Chapter 3

Fortunately, the men were able to find an abandoned warehouse by the light the lightning provided, and they took shelter. Tulio was able to find a hangover cure in a bottle lying on the floor and shoved it into Miguel's mouth, making him chug it. _He needed as much of that as he could get._

However, Miguel's pipes were not prepared for so much liquid and he jerked his head back, coughing and flailing his arms. "What in the world? What are you trying to do - poison me?"

"It's to sober you up before we head back to the castle," Tulio said. "We can't keep up our charade if you go parading into town, showing your ass and airing out your dirty laundry."

"I don't have any dirty laundry; I've been wearing the same clothes for a month!" Miguel snatched the bottle and swilled the antidote. "And who said I was going back with you? I hate Kumari Kandam and I'm sick of that stupid castle. It's drafty in the rooms, it's humid - what is with all these lands lost to time and crappy hospitality?"

Tulio suppressed a snicker.

"Don't laugh; it's not funny." Miguel sighed, collapsing upon a stool. "El Dorado was a lot nicer."

"And sunnier," Tulio added, glancing at the storm outside.

"Even though we didn't get that gold in an honorable way, I still miss it."

"We didn't even get that gold at all, but I'll…"

"Right, but they didn't know we were planning on taking advantage of them. I want to go back and clear the air."

"Don't do that, Miguel." Tulio was actually starting to panic. "The best thing about the 'escape' part of the con is that you don't have to go back and tell the truth. Besides, we didn't even get anything to show for it, so what's the point?"

"Well, I still wanna go back. I miss El Dorado, because at least when I was in El Dorado, it wasn't so much like 'Hail King Tulio and Queen Chel and screw everyone else in the background.' Even Altivo gets more attention than I do. You know what else I hate about you?"

"What the hell kind of segway was that?"

"You're not an honest person." Miguel resumed his verbal smackdown. "All you do is lie, cheat, dupe and scam to get your way. You have to be honest."

Tulio guffawed in disbelief. "Excuse me? You certainly weren't concerned about honesty when you had the chance to make something out of yourself by being a god."

"That's because there was no point! You'd already ruined any chance for me to become anything in Spain by teaming up with that crazy high priest to overflow the city - "

"WHAT?!"

A loud crash of lightning split right through the men's conversation, and they jump-squeaked back.

"Let's give you time to cool down while we wait for the storm to subside," Tulio conceded, storming off to a corner of the house. "I can't talk to you when you're like this."

"You're the one who's like this!" Miguel shouted, almost near tears. "You're _always_ like this!"

Tulio just wasn't listening.


	4. Chapter 4

_An hour and a half._ An hour and a half they sat across from each other in that damp, dank shed. Miguel needed to stretch his legs, and he kept sulking and skulking around, giving Tulio dirty looks. Tulio spied a half-empty cup next to his elbow and figured whatever was in that couldn't nearly be as bad as how that night had gone. He was pleasantly surprised to find that he recognized the taste.

Finally, he stood in front of his pal again. "Alright, Miguel - you've had your fun. I've calmed down. I've had a little gin - "

"Gin?" Miguel was out of his seat, drooling like a little puppy dog. "Where is it? Where is it?"

Tulio sat him back down. "No, no, no. I think you've had enough tonight."

"Who asked you to think?"

"I… " He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm ready to say something if you'd shut up a minute?"

Miguel fidgeted in his seat, but let his ex-friend speak.

"I know that I haven't been… as much of an upstanding partner in… you know. In the past few - "

"Ever."

" _Dammit, Miguel, I_ know _that!_ Can you just zip it for one second?!"

And Miguel zipped it.

Tulio exhaled. "Obviously I've got a lot to work on. I never pretended to be something I'm not, but you knew what I was like when you met me. So if you're ready to get over this bug up your ass, then I'm ready to wholeheartedly accept you back with open arms."

Silence. Miguel waited, then blinked at him, dumbfounded.

"So."

"Is that your little weasley half-baked attempt at an apology? _'You knew what I was like when you met me?'_ You are literally the worst person I have ever known!"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?"

"Go die."

"No, I mean it. I never should have gone after Chel when I knew you wanted her, or those other girls in half the cities in Spain you mentioned. Okay, maybe more than half."

"Half the cities in Europe, more like."

Tulio threw his arms up in exasperation. "There. Am I off the hook now?"

"Depends… "

"And it probably wasn't too cool of me to put you on the backburner either," he admitted. "It's just that you're genuine and endearing and you can do so many incredible things…" Tulio turned, beginning to pace. "I can't even play the guitar… "

"What does playing the guitar have to do with anything," Miguel exploded. "You don't think I've ever wanted to be the charming one? The smooth-talker, the tall dark and handsome debonair type? I'm not the one girls want - I'm the little puppy dog chasing behind you, licking your butt all the time." He froze. "That didn't come out right."

But Tulio had stopped pacing. "That's the second time you've called me handsome tonight."

"Well."

"You think I'm handsome?"

"Isn't it obvi - "

Tulio spun him then, pinning Miguel to the shed door, and smashing his mouth against his. They ground hips, and Miguel could feel warmth pooling to his groin. Miguel's tongue met Tulio's wriggling one as they continued to French. They kissed for what felt like a millennium; one glorious, long overdue millennium. Maybe even two.

"Whoa," Miguel blushed, breathless when they parted. "Was not expecting that… " He reached up to feel his lip - _yep. Blood._ "Animal."

Tulio laughed. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that." And Miguel could tell that, for once, he meant it.

"You better." Miguel breathed in the heat coming off of Tulio's skin, the salty sweat. For just a few more seconds. "And that's exactly why we can't be friends."

Tulio's eyes darkened. He nodded. "What did I do now?" he asked, his gaze dropping. "Aren't you having fun with me?"

"That's not what I mean, you dingus. I want to leave - and take _you_ with me."

Tulio looked at Miguel in surprise.

"Especially you. _Only_ you. Forget Chel. And Altivo too."

Tulio beamed at his words. "Well, I hear Atlantis is nice this time of year," he mused.

"Definitely no rain storms out of nowhere." Miguel tipped his head back and laughed. "'Cause… 'cause…. you know." Then he remembered something. "But what should we tell them?"

Tulio lifted his chin, quirking both of his eyebrows. "What happens on the trail we blaze?"

Miguel grabbed his hand, exuberant. "Stays."


End file.
